my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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