They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
