I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
