Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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