I accidentally burped into my bong.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize