I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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