The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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