i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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