She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
