??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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