i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
