I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
