my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a search helicopter?!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
