woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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