You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
