i wish my penis had a tongue
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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