On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
