HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
