did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize