rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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