Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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