youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
As shirtless as possible
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
