He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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