there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
