when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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