what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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