Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize