im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize