Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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