Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
