Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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