Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
