Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
