how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize