i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
