there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I want is dick and wine.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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