I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
