i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize