the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
