when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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