We're facebook friends in real life
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
