Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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