How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
