it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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