I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize