i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
