He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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