And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
