I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
