and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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