Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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