dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
