i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
