I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
