If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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