Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
