Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
