She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
