When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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