Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
